Recently I read a book called “The Erotic Silence of the American Wife” by Dalma Heyn. She also wrote the book “Marriage Shock”. Both are describing the transformation we women go through when we marry and have children – the martyrs we turn into. Why do we do it? A huge-society-full-on-press of “should” thinking. We are just as guilty of it as men, the media and other women. We judge ourselves especially hard, and we judge other women : looks, behavior of their children, clean house, hours of volunteering, bitchy attitude, needy, whatever….we are constantly comparing how we measure up….on what we think we should be doing. That is the foundation of guilt. It’s that simple.
“I just smile and nod my head while they chat on about what I should be doing – in reality I’m daydreaming the whole conversation away. My mom and sister are really good at laying on the guilt and worry thick. It used to really get me down, but I know what I need for myself and for my kids. My advice to you is ‘Trust your gut!’” ~Lisa
Who besides you has walked in your shoes? NO ONE! I have two SPED (SPecial EDucation) kids, and a whole host of past experiences, so I know for a fact that my shoes only fit me. Why should I feel guilty about that? Where is that logic? My parents, my childhood, my job experiences, my marriage, my pregnancies, my hometown, my children, my dreams, my hopes, my secret desires – all of these things guarantee that you can’t wear my shoes. You may have shoes that are similar to mine and we can, together, easily understand how the toes or heels can rub, or how good they look with a pair of jeans, but when it comes down to it we have different shoes. So, right off, I know that any guilt the outsiders are trying to place on me just won’t stick.
Let go of the whole “I’m a martyr thing” because you’re just in line with the rest of us. No amount of giving from you will compensate for your child having their disability. I tried it for years, and my kids are still disabled. You can’t overcome the guilt by giving more of yourself. I know what you’re trying to do and that’s not how the world works. There is no scale like that to make things balanced.
Think with your head. That is hard for women to do but I’m asking you to trust me. And I’m saying you need to straighten up – I feel your pain but I don’t feel sorry for you. The world is still revolving and you need to get moving. Wallowing in guilt is a life killer. Think real hard about who you are and what you want to be. Yeah, your kids need you, no doubt about that, but they need you for the long haul. You don’t see marathon runners sprinting the whole race, so why are you giving 180% to everyone else right this minute? Ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing? What is your motivation?
“I found that the Big Rock system (Franklin Covey Priority Weekly Compass) works for me. I have these little sheets I fill out and carry with me so I can check to see that I’m not wandering off and getting over my head in stupid stuff. At first my chest hurt thinking I was leaving out things that so many people expected of me. But after a month of forcing myself to only do the Big Rocks each day, the guilt lifted and my heart felt lighter, and I found I enjoyed myself and my kids more. I could play with them for an hour, then let go and do something else on my list. I didn’t need to be with my kids each minute. And you know what? They were okay with it!!! They had their Mommy time quota. They learned to play on their own. Looking back, guilt is shit and unproductive. Oh, can I say shit? Edit that.” ~Sarah (yes, Sarah, you can say “shit”)
As for the guilt of your child’s diagnosis…It’s done. You can’t change the DNA now. Living guiltily in the past for some mistake you may or may not have made can’t move you forward, not even one inch. You can learn from the past, but it’s the actions you take today that actually move you toward something.
What you need to decide is…..what is that something you’re moving towards? It’s not an easy question. Along the way, many of us detoured off the path of our dreams. And some of us were never on one, just floating through life without a purpose. Which is perfectly fine, and sounds somewhat lovely at times, but how do you know when you’re lost if you don’t know where you’re going? Every parent who I talk to believes that having a something to move towards is what keeps us focused and sane among the doctor appointments, physical therapy sessions, and complete screaming meltdowns at the grocery store.
Next week come armed with a piece of paper and your pencil (or the crayon your child just rolled under the couch). We’re going on a treasure hunt for the jewels of your life = goals!!
With a little laughter each day, all my best to you,
Heather
Showing posts with label martyrdom sucks special needs guilt depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label martyrdom sucks special needs guilt depression. Show all posts
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Guilt part 2
We’ve all been on a plane and heard the flight attendant say, “Put the mask on yourself first, and then put the mask on your kid”. Why do you think they tell you that? They don’t even know your kid, so they aren’t trying to kill them off. It’s because if you don’t make it, your child is certain to perish.
What? I have to take care of myself FIRST so I can be a better mother? What the hell kind of concept is that? You’d never hear any other generation of mothers in the United States tell you that.
Nope, you wouldn’t, especially about mothers with kids who have extra needs. Your grandma is spinning in her grave at the thought and your own mom probably wasn’t much more feminized (talked a good game though). Why is this so important in the guilt blog? Because time for yourself is the number one “guilty” pleasure special needs mothers crave. It’s the thing we feel most guilty about after any physical or emotional pain our children must endure. Selfishness is the hardest thing we find to justify, as society isn’t on our side about it. Personally, I think there are degrees of selfish but no one pays attention to that detail. It’s a load of piddle and we’ve caused that part of the guilt factor just as much as the media and Donna Reed.
“I probably have the worst confession you’ll hear. I have wondered, more than once, what life would be like without my son. If I had aborted like I was told to do, or if he had died as an infant. I have no life, I’m in a prison. I never thought this would be my motherhood. It’s not his fault, I don’t blame him. But there are weeks that I never leave the house, literally. We can’t afford to hire someone who is qualified enough to watch him, no daycare will come within 50 feet of him and we don’t have the money anyway – his medical bills are just too much. I’m on payment plans to every doctor within 100 miles. I can’t trust my husband to take care of him, so I’m stuck. I’m not trying to be a martyr. I don’t have choices like everyone else. And it’s all because of my son. I’ll never be free unless he goes to an institution. What kind of a mother would I be if I put him in there just for me? There’s selfish.” ~Michele
This is the cheerleading section and it’s full of logic: You come first because you are your child’s first line of protection. You are their emotional rock. So you do what you have to do to put the mask on you first. Other people can do an okay job of taking care of your children in your absence, but you need to do a superb job of taking care of you now so that you don’t have to worry about your kid’s future without you.
The first step in trampling the guilt is to recognize the issue = it may be there, but we can control how it affects us. The second step is to actually take a step forward: Go get your calendar. Now, find one chunk of time (meaning at least 3 adjacent hours) that is just for you each week. Stop screaming at me and just do it. I use Wednesday nights to play sand volleyball in the summer, and watch movies at the $2 theatre in the winter. This means you have to give your children over to someone else for a few hours. You HAVE to trust that they can handle things (different from you, but still adequate). Swap babysitting with another mom if you have to.
That new “Mommy time” on the calendar each week is sacred! You are not to do chores or errands. It is a time to rejuvenate. Plan your weeks around that time. Turn down outside requests that conflict with Mommy time with the “Sorry, I already have plans” excuse. Also turn down activities for your kids. GASP! Now, there may be times when something comes up that is drop dead important (like someone actually dies or a school conference) so you’ll need to then SWITCH to another day for that week. Notice I didn’t say to skip your time out, but to switch it.
The people in your life are not going to understand the “who, what, when, where, and why” of life with your child, or your life as an individual person. In their minds, you no longer have a life; you’re now a martyr, dedicating each moment of the day to your child. Funny, they still have their lives but think you shouldn’t just because you have a special kid…..hmmmmm. So, when they see you out “living it up” they will try to guilt you back down. Stand strong!!
Yes, this will make outsiders uncomfortable – you having happy emotions, passion, and vibrant thoughts – but tough cookies for them. Remember, that you belong to a special community that they don’t understand and it’s okay. Their lives are their lives, and yours is yours. Your job is to be the best woman you can be and the good stuff can then filter down into your children. Not the best June Cleaver. The best honest you.
My goal this week is to dig out my yoga tapes and do a few routines. I want to stretch the winter out of my body. Have a wonderful and blessed week!
Heather
What? I have to take care of myself FIRST so I can be a better mother? What the hell kind of concept is that? You’d never hear any other generation of mothers in the United States tell you that.
Nope, you wouldn’t, especially about mothers with kids who have extra needs. Your grandma is spinning in her grave at the thought and your own mom probably wasn’t much more feminized (talked a good game though). Why is this so important in the guilt blog? Because time for yourself is the number one “guilty” pleasure special needs mothers crave. It’s the thing we feel most guilty about after any physical or emotional pain our children must endure. Selfishness is the hardest thing we find to justify, as society isn’t on our side about it. Personally, I think there are degrees of selfish but no one pays attention to that detail. It’s a load of piddle and we’ve caused that part of the guilt factor just as much as the media and Donna Reed.
“I probably have the worst confession you’ll hear. I have wondered, more than once, what life would be like without my son. If I had aborted like I was told to do, or if he had died as an infant. I have no life, I’m in a prison. I never thought this would be my motherhood. It’s not his fault, I don’t blame him. But there are weeks that I never leave the house, literally. We can’t afford to hire someone who is qualified enough to watch him, no daycare will come within 50 feet of him and we don’t have the money anyway – his medical bills are just too much. I’m on payment plans to every doctor within 100 miles. I can’t trust my husband to take care of him, so I’m stuck. I’m not trying to be a martyr. I don’t have choices like everyone else. And it’s all because of my son. I’ll never be free unless he goes to an institution. What kind of a mother would I be if I put him in there just for me? There’s selfish.” ~Michele
This is the cheerleading section and it’s full of logic: You come first because you are your child’s first line of protection. You are their emotional rock. So you do what you have to do to put the mask on you first. Other people can do an okay job of taking care of your children in your absence, but you need to do a superb job of taking care of you now so that you don’t have to worry about your kid’s future without you.
The first step in trampling the guilt is to recognize the issue = it may be there, but we can control how it affects us. The second step is to actually take a step forward: Go get your calendar. Now, find one chunk of time (meaning at least 3 adjacent hours) that is just for you each week. Stop screaming at me and just do it. I use Wednesday nights to play sand volleyball in the summer, and watch movies at the $2 theatre in the winter. This means you have to give your children over to someone else for a few hours. You HAVE to trust that they can handle things (different from you, but still adequate). Swap babysitting with another mom if you have to.
That new “Mommy time” on the calendar each week is sacred! You are not to do chores or errands. It is a time to rejuvenate. Plan your weeks around that time. Turn down outside requests that conflict with Mommy time with the “Sorry, I already have plans” excuse. Also turn down activities for your kids. GASP! Now, there may be times when something comes up that is drop dead important (like someone actually dies or a school conference) so you’ll need to then SWITCH to another day for that week. Notice I didn’t say to skip your time out, but to switch it.
The people in your life are not going to understand the “who, what, when, where, and why” of life with your child, or your life as an individual person. In their minds, you no longer have a life; you’re now a martyr, dedicating each moment of the day to your child. Funny, they still have their lives but think you shouldn’t just because you have a special kid…..hmmmmm. So, when they see you out “living it up” they will try to guilt you back down. Stand strong!!
Yes, this will make outsiders uncomfortable – you having happy emotions, passion, and vibrant thoughts – but tough cookies for them. Remember, that you belong to a special community that they don’t understand and it’s okay. Their lives are their lives, and yours is yours. Your job is to be the best woman you can be and the good stuff can then filter down into your children. Not the best June Cleaver. The best honest you.
My goal this week is to dig out my yoga tapes and do a few routines. I want to stretch the winter out of my body. Have a wonderful and blessed week!
Heather
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Guilt part 1
WEIGHTLIFTING GUILT
“Happiness is good health and a bad memory.”
-Ingrid Bergman
“I really want those ladies who are freaks about breast feeding to jump in the lake! They never have anything to say to those women with special kids who can’t. Never have I once seen an article for us. What is the alternative then? Are you saying that because I didn’t breast feed my child has this disability? Do you not think I have enough guilt already? What if your milk never came in? Or what if your child couldn’t swallow? Or what if they were in the NICU under a tent? Gee whiz people – give it a rest! I have enough other things to feel guilt over.” ~Hannah
There is no greater guilt trip than the inevitable, “Did I do this to my child? What about that drunken night at New Years? Or those x-rays? I didn’t even know I was pregnant! Was it something I ate? Or the antibiotics I was on?” This litany could go on forever. And does it really matter? Will it change anything now, at this very moment? NO! And who says it wasn’t your partner? Or global warming, air pollution, petrochemicals in the ground water or sun flares? Or just a freaking fluke?
“You wouldn’t believe how bad I was to myself when I found out my child’s disease. It didn’t help that my in-law’s kept asking me questions about my family because it just couldn’t be their fault. So I searched and searched for a reason, desperate to find the cause, knowing it was just me already being a bad mom. How could I do this to my child? What would everyone think? Could I be trusted? The doctors told me I wasn’t to blame, but I didn’t believe them, they were just being nice.” ~Andrea
Shouldering all the blame, or looking for someone else to blame, gets you nowhere. Actually it gets you less than nowhere; it gets you into an endless cycle of negativity driven by guilt. Blame and guilt hurt you. They hurt your relationships. They hurt your child.
”One Saturday I was putting away the laundry when I heard my daughter talking in her room. She was playing with her Barbies and saying the most outrageous things! Then I figured out she was repeating me. ‘Sorry honey, I can’t play I have to make dinner.’ ‘Can’t right now, I’m too tired.’ ‘Can you please just put your shoes on without opening your mouth?’ ‘Hurry! I don’t care that your arm hurts, just get your coat on! We’re late!’ I knew I needed to seriously chill myself out. That’s not the gal I want to see in the mirror. I think that guilt actually worked in my favor. I dropped everything right then and vowed to make life simpler.” ~Kelly
Once you unpack from that guilt trip, here is the next rotten train waiting at the station: Taking time for me takes time away from my child. I’m going to tell you from personal experience that unless you start carving out time to yourself, you will lose your identity and have to fight harder and harder to get to your inner happy place again.
”I realized one day that I only had 17 minutes to myself a day, but spent 15 hours with zero energy and in a bad mood snapping at people. I’m an educated woman, yet I didn’t put the math together. My son has a feeding tube, among other issues, so I’m constantly watching him. This just didn’t leave me any time for myself. When I talked to my mom she made out that sacrifice is what mothers do and I should just be happy my son is alive. Well, duh! Of course I’m happy he’s alive! I’m not a cold hearted bitch. I stopped calling her. I was tired of hearing that I was to die so my son could live. Why couldn’t we both live? Why do we lay the guilt on each other? Who is it helping?” ~Amy
It’s not just your kid (or kids) who are vampiring-up your time; it’s all of your relationships. If you’re in a significant-other/marriage/dating relationship it takes time to nurture, and when you have special needs kids, you don’t have time to pee, let alone make another adult feel validated. “You never have time for me anymore” is a commonly heard phrase from spouses to guilt you into pampering them. And don’t forget work, school, doctors, housekeeping, cooking, etc…. So, when are you going to notch out some time for yourself?
Guilt, and how to stamp it out of your life, will be the topic of my next few blogs. If you can find a few minutes, get a piece of paper and draw a line vertically down the middle. Write down all the things you feel guilty about on the left. Then a few days later, start a list on the right of all the things you successfully do – this includes all the little things you take in stride and do automatically; like getting everyone’s teeth brushed before school, planning healthy meals, reading stories at night, remembering birthdays, keeping the Tooth Fairy alive….
Of all the things I used to worry myself sick over with guilt, I just enrolled my youngest in kindergarten, so I’m writing down that I’ve successfully parented her to that point….now just to calm the teachers about having a child with brittle bones in their classes.
Heather
“Happiness is good health and a bad memory.”
-Ingrid Bergman
“I really want those ladies who are freaks about breast feeding to jump in the lake! They never have anything to say to those women with special kids who can’t. Never have I once seen an article for us. What is the alternative then? Are you saying that because I didn’t breast feed my child has this disability? Do you not think I have enough guilt already? What if your milk never came in? Or what if your child couldn’t swallow? Or what if they were in the NICU under a tent? Gee whiz people – give it a rest! I have enough other things to feel guilt over.” ~Hannah
There is no greater guilt trip than the inevitable, “Did I do this to my child? What about that drunken night at New Years? Or those x-rays? I didn’t even know I was pregnant! Was it something I ate? Or the antibiotics I was on?” This litany could go on forever. And does it really matter? Will it change anything now, at this very moment? NO! And who says it wasn’t your partner? Or global warming, air pollution, petrochemicals in the ground water or sun flares? Or just a freaking fluke?
“You wouldn’t believe how bad I was to myself when I found out my child’s disease. It didn’t help that my in-law’s kept asking me questions about my family because it just couldn’t be their fault. So I searched and searched for a reason, desperate to find the cause, knowing it was just me already being a bad mom. How could I do this to my child? What would everyone think? Could I be trusted? The doctors told me I wasn’t to blame, but I didn’t believe them, they were just being nice.” ~Andrea
Shouldering all the blame, or looking for someone else to blame, gets you nowhere. Actually it gets you less than nowhere; it gets you into an endless cycle of negativity driven by guilt. Blame and guilt hurt you. They hurt your relationships. They hurt your child.
”One Saturday I was putting away the laundry when I heard my daughter talking in her room. She was playing with her Barbies and saying the most outrageous things! Then I figured out she was repeating me. ‘Sorry honey, I can’t play I have to make dinner.’ ‘Can’t right now, I’m too tired.’ ‘Can you please just put your shoes on without opening your mouth?’ ‘Hurry! I don’t care that your arm hurts, just get your coat on! We’re late!’ I knew I needed to seriously chill myself out. That’s not the gal I want to see in the mirror. I think that guilt actually worked in my favor. I dropped everything right then and vowed to make life simpler.” ~Kelly
Once you unpack from that guilt trip, here is the next rotten train waiting at the station: Taking time for me takes time away from my child. I’m going to tell you from personal experience that unless you start carving out time to yourself, you will lose your identity and have to fight harder and harder to get to your inner happy place again.
”I realized one day that I only had 17 minutes to myself a day, but spent 15 hours with zero energy and in a bad mood snapping at people. I’m an educated woman, yet I didn’t put the math together. My son has a feeding tube, among other issues, so I’m constantly watching him. This just didn’t leave me any time for myself. When I talked to my mom she made out that sacrifice is what mothers do and I should just be happy my son is alive. Well, duh! Of course I’m happy he’s alive! I’m not a cold hearted bitch. I stopped calling her. I was tired of hearing that I was to die so my son could live. Why couldn’t we both live? Why do we lay the guilt on each other? Who is it helping?” ~Amy
It’s not just your kid (or kids) who are vampiring-up your time; it’s all of your relationships. If you’re in a significant-other/marriage/dating relationship it takes time to nurture, and when you have special needs kids, you don’t have time to pee, let alone make another adult feel validated. “You never have time for me anymore” is a commonly heard phrase from spouses to guilt you into pampering them. And don’t forget work, school, doctors, housekeeping, cooking, etc…. So, when are you going to notch out some time for yourself?
Guilt, and how to stamp it out of your life, will be the topic of my next few blogs. If you can find a few minutes, get a piece of paper and draw a line vertically down the middle. Write down all the things you feel guilty about on the left. Then a few days later, start a list on the right of all the things you successfully do – this includes all the little things you take in stride and do automatically; like getting everyone’s teeth brushed before school, planning healthy meals, reading stories at night, remembering birthdays, keeping the Tooth Fairy alive….
Of all the things I used to worry myself sick over with guilt, I just enrolled my youngest in kindergarten, so I’m writing down that I’ve successfully parented her to that point….now just to calm the teachers about having a child with brittle bones in their classes.
Heather
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