Today is an extra personal blog. Last week I started on anti-depressants. This was a HUGE deal for me! I don’t even take aspirin. I decided to take my mental health as serious as my body health because my relationships with myself and my family were, I felt, at the bottom of the barrel. I tried many different tactics to pull myself out of my funk, but time, money, and commitments are factors that are fixed. Shopping, alcohol, and endless hours at the gym weren’t going to help my family and sneaking in an hour at Target just wasn’t cutting it.
I tried my hardest to be “the super mom” and I’m happy to say that I failed. My expectations of myself and the expectations others have for mothers is ridiculous.
Depression doesn’t mean that you are in a ball on the floor of your closet sobbing 24/7, though it can be that. There were many moments over the years that I was very happy. But the underlying feeling of being overwhelmed was a constant low vibration within me. Two special needs kids, a husband, a job, a house, family and friends. Pleasing them all didn’t leave any room for taking care of me. And quite frankly, no one else was taking care of me either because I didn’t ask them too. When the help didn’t magically come I thought I wasn’t worthy of their consideration, and deeper I sank into the barrel.
I’ve also felt, and heard from other friends, that admitting you’re on anti-depressants means you are weak and can’t handle things. No it doesn’t. It means that there are stressors in your life that are blocking your brain chemicals and you just need to help re-wire a few things to run more smooth. Depression usually runs in families, whether or not anyone admits to it. And let’s face it, raising special needs kids means you need more help anyway. Our society, and the insistence of independence away from the village, is killing mothers. Moms are the highest ranked group of people in the world of depression, only above divorced dads. So, obviously, you are not weak, you are human. Not super human, but average.
The two medications I’m on are supposed to:
1. Help my brain shut off at night so I can sleep and
2. Even out my moods during the day.
It’s only been one week and I honestly can’t say either is working so far but that is expected. It takes at least a month for the meds to start their best work in your system. I will say that my body has felt like lead, very heavy limbs, for the first few days and I’ve been yawning all day every day but the symptoms are lessening as each day passes. In a funny way, I’ve been so “hung over” that I haven’t cared about much, so perversely the anti-anxiety drugs are working. I’m a bit slower and more easy-going. Always a way to make a silver lining!!
I share this experience with you because I want you to know that you aren’t alone. Hope is there in many different forms. There are many of us out there who can answer your questions and give you support, no matter what you are going through. I will keep you updated on my progress. Take care of the whole you!