Being still is very hard for me. Activity is addicting. I jump from one task to another and it almost gives me a high. Checking things off a list makes me feel like I accomplished something. It also allows me to hide from myself and everyone else. I lose myself in the tasks that need to be done and don’t have time to deal with the highs and lows of life.
What I have learned is that I need to be still. I need to let other people do things for themselves as much as possible. I have to consider giving less to others and doing less for them. UGH! That seems insurmountable since my kids have huge limitations on what is possible for them to mentally and physically do….and it’s so much faster and less aggravating if I just do it myself…..and I can be a martyr and receive accolades of high public opinion of myself.
Ah, but there isn’t a high public opinion. The irony is I found there’s a lot of pity. Many “I don’t know how you do it” statements. Far too many “You’re much stronger than I”. And honestly, there was a lot of resentment on my part for not having a rescuer. Couldn’t people see how much I was doing and volunteer to jump in? Pity is the opposite of the high opinion I was looking for in the first place.
I now know that I did this to myself. I was out to prove how grown up and independent I was. I stubbornly refused help when I know I could have it had I just asked. I’ve been “the pleaser” my whole life. But my new mantra is DON’T DO FOR OTHERS THINGS THAT THEY’RE CAPABLE OF DOING FOR THEMSELVES. I’m not the fire department. I’m not the go-to person. If it’s going to make me resentful, I’m not going to do it. My time is just as important.
This isn’t about being mean to others. I love doing random acts of kindness! This is about me running my tail off until I collapse each day. Being busy has a lot to do with feeling as if you are earning your keep. It’s being afraid that if you aren’t doing chores = you are lazy. Check to see if rushing is just a habit of yours. You can’t control others, but you can control your energy reserves by taking care of yourself. When you are taking care of you, you then have the energy to do some amazing acts of kindness for others. You can overflow your pleasure when you are filled.
I’ve been purposely and consciously making myself sit and relax in the evenings. Very hard to do when I know there are 2.5 million things that need to get done around the house. I talk to myself, “You have the right to read a magazine”, “The Queen of England is not coming to your house”, “Those who judge you aren’t worthy of your consideration”, “What do you really WANT to do?”
So, if you come to my house, it won’t be as spit spot clean as it used to be, but I also won’t be as anxious or tired. You’ll get the best of me and I’ll be glad to have you over.