I’ve had some people ask, so I thought I’d give an update on how the medications are going. The generic anti-depressant I started with made me horribly sick. I’m talking violently sick and so exhausted I could barely function at work and had nothing left for when I got home with the kids. Not a good combo but I stuck it out as prescribed hoping my body would adjust to the foreign meds.
Well, eventually I gave up (more like my body revolted) and asked the psych doctor for help. He switched me to Lexapro – the pure stuff. Again, it took some time for my body to get used to it, but my moods are much more even keel now.
Though it might not be the best phrasing, it feels like I just don’t care much about things. If the house isn’t picked up I notice it, but it doesn’t send me into a mini rage. I stopped making decisions about things, letting my husband do it. I ask the kids to do their chores, and if they don’t, I can calmly go in and take their favorite toys away. No yelling or anxiety, just “matter of fact – tough it out – consequences for your choices – it doesn’t affect me” kind of attitude.
To be honest, it’s really nice! I don’t feel responsible for everyone and everything anymore. I only have to worry about my inner-instant circle and the rest can fend for themselves. It’s freeing! I can say “No” and “I don’t care”. Maybe empowering is a better word.
It’s sad that I needed the meds to give myself permission to let go, but that could be a symptom of our society. I resisted meds for many years thinking only weak people took them, but that’s not true. I think it’s more from overly high expectations and not enjoying the moment. It’s from living the “shoulds”.
One huge change is my thinking from “I’m stuck” to “I can, it’s my choice and I’m choosing this”. I don’t have to stay in this job, this city, or even this country. I’m choosing to and that makes all the difference. Practical and possible are not always opposites if you are doing what you need to do for your health and happiness.